Guys, may I speak with you for a moment?
First of all, I get it: being turned down for sex is an awful feeling. You take it personally, feeling rejected and hurt. You have needs, and it feels awful to believe that she doesn’t care about them. This has likely led you to a place of full-on resentment.
It is often said that holding onto resentment is like swallowing poison and expecting the other person to get sick. In other words, it really only hurts you and it certainly doesn’t advance your cause. To wit, your display of upset over not receiving sex does not inspire your partner to give it; on the contrary, it is a turnoff to her. And even if she was to indulge you for that reason alone, she’d lose respect for your willingness to accept “pity sex.”
Anyway you slice it, holding onto resentment helps no one; letting go of it is absolutely vital to forward progress and any hope you have of rekindling your sex life. So for the purpose of this article, I will assume you have done the work to relinquish this feeling and are ready to make some changes.
You’re about to receive some insight and tips that will help your sexual needs get met, but I need you first to set appropriate expectations. The place that you currently find yourself in with your partner didn’t happen overnight; it is likely the result of accumulated actions and behaviors over time. All this to say that getting what you want will also not happen overnight. But I’m confident that if you are diligent and open to some honest feedback, your sex life will dramatically improve.
Step 1: Focus on what’s there, not what’s missing.
If you made a conscious decision to think about every aspect of your partner that wasn’t sex-related, what would you be thinking about? This is the time for you to remember what drew you to her in the first place. Reconnect with her beauty, her sweetness, her sense of humor, her values, her intellect, the way she is with your family, her acts of kindness, or insert any and all other qualities unique to your partner.
Her openness to sex with you may be limited or absent, but these other qualities are still there; they never left, so focus on them. Think about how lucky you are to have found someone like her.
“But how can I think about those things,” you may be asking in frustration, “when she is rejecting my sexual needs?!”
Answer: because those things about her are still true, and directing your focus toward them is going to make you feel good—plain and simple. It will help put you in a softer, more open frame of mind; you will be more willing to consider what might be going on for her. And while the goal of this process is not to elicit a change in your partner’s behavior, it will undoubtedly have an impact on her. She will feel your love again. You will feel your love again. And that alone will start to open the possibilities to so much more.
Step 2: What warms her up?
Now that you’re in a better, more loving place, it’s time to ask yourself: what warms your partner up? If you answered “foreplay” you’d be correct, providing you applied a more comprehensive understanding of it. It’s examined in more detail here, but essentially foreplay is the sum total of all your actions and behavior in between sexual experiences.
My guess is that you didn’t have to think about foreplay when you first started dating: you were simply doing it. That active sex life you once had wasn’t only the result of novelty but because you made an effort. You came up with imaginative nights out (i.e. you weren’t just watching TV on the couch and then asking for sex). You sent flowers, you opened her car door for her, and you paid attention to the things that were important to her.
Now think about the present. When is the last time you surprised her by folding the laundry? Was that resentment you once held onto keeping you from sending her a heart emoji in the middle of the day for no reason? How recently have you told her something you appreciate about her? It’s all foreplay, guys; do it and the heat will rise.
Step 3: Walk in her shoes.
You’re focusing on what you have instead of what’s missing, and you’re becoming a Foreplay Jedi Master. At this point, you may already be noticing more receptivity to sex from your partner. But before you go all in with a sexual invitation, I want you to step into her shoes and ask yourself these questions:
What is her current state of mind and body?
If it’s 11:30 at night after she’s had a long day at work, or after a particularly challenging day with three active children, sex is probably not at the forefront of her mind. Has she consumed a large meal? Think about how active she wants to be in bed while that burger sits like lead in her stomach.
Is she distracted?
It's sometimes difficult for men to comprehend, but many women are unable to become aroused or interested in sex if they’re ruminating about something. It doesn’t even have to be especially upsetting; it might be a future project that needs to be tackled, or a conflict with a friend that requires resolution. This is in stark contrast to guys, where a simple touch of the penis can be all that it takes to erase every other thought in the universe and ready them for sex.
How do you look to her?
It may sound obvious, but for heaven’s sake, keep yourself clean; hygiene still matters. And if you were fit when you started dating, keep fit throughout your marriage. You made such an effort to be appealing to her in the beginning. Guess what? It worked. And there’s no reason to think it won’t again.
Step 4: Time to approach.
It’s time! Your head and heart are in a better place, you’ve stoked the fire with foreplay, and you're sensitive to time, context, and your overall appearance.
When it comes to being approached for sex, I hear this all the time from women—they want you to be a man! Remember how you were when you started dating? You didn’t ask if she wanted to have sex. You seduced her. You made moves and took control; you were definitive and confident.
Just because you’ve been together for years doesn’t mean it’s sufficient to ask if she’s up for sex. That is a complete turnoff to most women and hardly what you’d call seduction. Ask and you’re not likely to receive. Your partner wants to feel wanted. That’s why you had so much sex in the beginning--not just because it was new, but because you wanted her and she felt that. So let her feel it again!
Step 5—Seek outside help.
If things haven’t improved after making a conscious effort to be accountable and empathic, a deeper issue may be at play. Now it’s time for you and your partner to get assistance and allow a professional outside observer to diagnose what’s going on.
With the help of a therapist, you’ll be able to uncover more subtle dynamics that could be limiting opportunities for sex. It is a sign of real strength to ask for help. So don’t wait for things to get much worse and then return to the land of resentment. Sex is too important to the health of your relationship.
You're on your way to reception over rejection, guys. Next!
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